Something to be Thankful for....

Although this isn't the first non-traditional Thanksgiving I've had in another country (sleeping through whatever Thanksgiving meal there may have been on the plane to Australia due to Ambien was notable...) it is the first in which recent experiences really brought me to my knees in gratitude. Last week I finished the course of combivir (and am feeling quite good) and today I got my results from my one month HIV tests. I'm still negative. A friend introduced me to an American doctor here in Gabs and she insisted she had never heard of some one who had contracted from a situation like mine, and so after the 3 and 6 month tests this will all have been a true experience of the past. Not that it will be forgotten. In some ways I am lucky to have had this experience of not knowing what my status would be at my next test. Lucky I say? Am I blinking nuts? Perhaps, but bear with me...

The whole incident served to put me in a mental and emotional place where I can truly relate to the people I work with in a way I never could have if the situation had been a hypothetical. Reflecting on the possibility of what my options would be for having children, and the idea of telling both any future or potential partners, and my family and friends, how public I would want to be with it, the possibility of going home, or changing my future plans, or not being able to make future plans, and all the other things that come with HIV infection was a real challenge, especially being in a place where I just naturally have less contact with the type of people who I would normally talk this type of thing through with. It made me understand the PMTCT moms I work with on a new level and I also used myself as an example for my coworkers who can sometimes be less than sympathetic to women who are positive and continue having babies. I watched the veil of judgment lift from their faces as they looked into my white one and realized the potential blamelessness that can be a possibility for the contraction of HIV. Making myself an example got through to friends and coworkers at the clinic in a way that made many uncomfortable, perhaps in realizing the depth of their own judgment and blame. I found a few times people would disclose my situation to people I might have preferred didn't know, (which is admittedly a risk I took when I published it on my blog, and in hindsight I don't regret being so upfront with my experience, because it's my reality, but would I feel the same way if i hadn't been so lucky, and if I had become positive?) There have got to be plenty of women who contract HIV as a result of not using a condom with a man they have married, and should have every reason to trust. Or a mother who may help in the delivery of her grandchild at home, trusting, yet not completely knowing the status of her daughter. Yes, HIV is a disease that mainly is transferred through behavioral choices. But who can say in their own life that they always make the right one?

Who on this Earth can honestly say they know the status of everyone they could potentially contract HIV or any other serious illness from? The conversations aren't easy to have, or even think about having, until you are in the position in which you have to. Through the past month I've seen several people visually recoil from me when I've told them about my situation, and many more look at me with the kind of grating sympathy that has the potential to drive a person mad. Many people wanted to dismiss the idea of me contracting HIV without completely even letting the possibility enter their mind, perhaps for the sake of their own mental comfort, perhaps for not wanting to think about their own prejudices, perhaps because I was not into discussing it on those levels and sometimes didn't let them go there, at least not in my presence, because sometimes I wasn't interested in being the source of someone else's reassurance and comfort in the shadow of my own tragedy. But at the end of the day, the luxury of complete denial was not one I was privileged with. Although it was a tool I used often...

But enough soap box.. I am very thankful for remaining negative, having the opportunity to live this dream, and for the wonderful friends and family who have supported me in so many ways, and all the amazing new people who have come into my life bearing such gifts, love and inspiration. I am a very, very lucky woman. I was grateful to spend the holiday in Gabs, with my good buddy B, and I ate Indian food and watched a proper movie at a movie theater, as well as spoke with much of my family on the phone, and I'll meet up for another feast with many more PC friends on Sat. I hope everyone had a lovely day, and knows that I'm very thankful for all of you!