What could have been….
Up until recently, I was under the impression that I would be staying in Botswana for a third year of Peace Corps service. I had found an organization I could envision myself having a great experience with, accomplishing some of my goals, possibly undertaking one of my dream projects (or at least discovering if it’s possible) and making some decisions about grad school. I heard last week that the opportunity I was hoping for isn’t going to work out.
To look at it generally, Botswana seems to have been a tough country on my class of Peace Corps volunteers. Of the nearly 50 of us that have made it through the whole contract only me and possibly one other person seriously considered staying (Bots 6-the class that arrived the year before us- had 6 people extend for a third year of service). Through the history of Peace Corps in Botswana, many volunteers have extended, stayed, married locals or are currently back working in the country. It seems for us-Bots 7, Botswana pulled out all the stops. We’re ready to go.
For me a third year would have been a similar and yet completely different experience. I still would have had to say goodbye to Seronga, but it would have been goodbye with the possibility to come back for a visit at some point in the next year and see how things have been getting on without me, to smile at and meet babies born, to greet the elders, to check in with all my friends and co-workers. I would have still been feeling like I was doing something to champion the cause and meet the needs of those I’ve come to love in Seronga, albeit from a different level and a great distance from where I started. A surprisingly large number of people from the Okavango area make it down to Gabs on occasion, and I’ve rarely been in the city or most other places in the country without running into someone I know from my village or a surrounding one.
I would have served a third year in Gaborone (the capital city) and it would have likely been with an American based international NGO. There would have been some pieces that were still irritating, either for their Peace Corps or country and culture of Botswana bureaucracies. It would have been rewarding to know that I was taking what I’ve learned about the people I’ve come to know and love and I hope in my own small way understand. Professionally it would have been a great resume builder and an opportunity to help sort out more deeply what I want my graduate education to focus on.
But in the end it didn’t work out.
After I found out that company A wasn’t going to happen, I was again without a plan. While I’ve become pretty used to and adept at dealing with many aspects of my life being in constant limbo and uncertainty, this was sort of the straw.
When I was focused on a project with an organization I felt strongly about, I was completely willing to continue with what I felt was my mission here, and I felt a sense of purpose. I was settled in my heart and soul with staying. Another year of my life was worth spending on this cause, in this place with this culture. But once that was no longer a possibility, there was no way of making it fit. I had another phone interview with another organization, but I knew five minutes into the conversation that it wasn’t going to work. When I didn’t get a position at option A, it made me feel like my career was breaking up with me. When I spoke with option B, it was like being on a horrible blind date when you want to walk out after five minutes. That left option c, which was to head back to the States. It was the option my mother and many friends had been appealing to me to make for some time. But it was only after my heart was finished breaking that I could see inside it and make the decision with to choose this path. To come home.
I’m still pretty certain that the fall of 2011 will be the year I return to graduate school, so one item firmly on the docket of the next year of my life will be preparing for and applying to grad schools. This also means I need to sort out for good what exactly I’d like to be when I grow up. The past two years have brought me ever more deliciously closer to putting my finger on it, but before I make that major investment I want to know for sure that I’ll be able to get what I want out of it. I’ve got a good idea of the where I intend for that to be, but as usual with me, should a sexy opportunity not in the prescribed region turn up; I’m not going to eliminate it without careful (impulsive) consideration. Grad school can obviously be applied for from anywhere (as my Peace Corps cohort can attest- how these guys did it is beyond me, but I’m very proud to be a part of such an illustrious group) so that doesn’t really limit me.
In the end the future, and the geography in which that takes place, remain a mystery, for now.
So with options for staying carefully considered, I walk away from this part of my life, and I close this chapter.
Should I stay? Nope I’m going.
And on to the next.
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