Tuesday, December 11, 2007
The emotional Rollercoaster-from way back in December....
In all honesty, It has been tough to focus on the whole Peace Corps project with Jack leaving. Right now I am sitting in a cafe in Uptown with a somewhat spotty Internet connection, the Amilie soundtrack playing-why is it that all Internet cafes and coffee shops seem to have this trendy notion that the Amelie soundtrack gives them street cred amongst the "dirtier than thou" hippie/yuppie mix that resides in this area. I know the movie "will change your life" but the most memorable part for me was when she is getting laid and she still has that stupid cartoon smile on her face as her head nearly cracks on the headboard and an empty glass in front of me, the remnants of the chai I bought to justify my doddling on the free Internet drying onto the glass in front of me. Hunting and pecking on Jack's computer, working on my aspiration statement, which is similar to perhaps the cover letter to a resume, (I'm also working on the resume). Sometimes to get some creativity for this project I will look at the Botsblog postings, and it seems I always happen upon one that inspires me, and makes to me excited and nostalgic for things I've experienced, makes me crave to move forward, and makes me feel mixed up and tossed up. Tonight I happened upon a blog in which Heather, having been there nearly a year, or maybe a little more, is writing about her experience with a teenage girls empowerment group. It made me wistful for Woodland Hills and made me excited for what the possibilities in the future could be. The whole idea of using all that has been rotting away and rusting in my abilities is so exhilarating it almost brings me to tears...This experience is so crazy, so big, I'm crying about it one minute and laughing the next. It feels like a pregnancy, which I note is somewhat cliche' as nearly everyone who has a project of some magnitude compares it to a pregnancy, even calling it "my baby" here and there. The project gestates, it grows, it plays with your hormones, it makes you crazy... you love it, you speculate that you hate it, you're excited for it to being and yet the thought of entering a new phase with it both excites and terrifies you. It kicks you, you acquire new possessions to support it or make it more comfortable, or to protect it.
Monday, December 3, 2007
First Blog? AKA existential BS.....
ok due to popular demand (!?) here it is my Peace Corps Blog. You can bet that this will follow in the tradition of past blogs with plenty of type-os and poor grammar- sorry grandma- but the info is here, in all it's sarcastic, honest, as real as can be glory!
Nearly three months ago I received what feels like the culmination to but in reality is just the beginning of a year long process to join the Peace Corps. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, I shall now recount it here.
Post college graduation and upon leaving Duluth and some other major life events, I consulted friends, family, several psychics and mystics, numerous therapists, soul sistas, spiritual advisers, lovers, fighters, academics, spirits, ect, in a desperate attempt to find the key to life, the ultimate element, (and sometimes the magic elixir-these searches usually ended in hangovers) that would make me happy. Notably absent in this list of advisers is probably the most important person, place or thing to consult, my own soul. Back to the drawing board. Rather than so actively investigating and searching, and scratching at the very fibers of life insistently, I decided to lay back, relax, and invest in the words of a poem given to me by my wonderful friend Katherine, that I often recall the connotation of if not the actual words to, and which incidentally rocks my world to this day...
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing, live along some distant day into the answer." Rainer Maria Rilke
I spent some time taking this quote to heart, letting it's meaning wash over me in waves for a few months. Letting go of the strict reins I had held onto in controlling the course of my life was and never is an easy process. I became more and more willing to try something new, reach out where before I had closed off, forgive, forget, trust, and allow life to break me, rather than me always trying to smash the piss out of life with my own piss and vinegar. I came back from visiting my sister in Australia and realized that the time is now to live abroad. It was something I had always dreamed of, and never had the inclination to go out and conquer because I always found what I thought was one damn good reason or another to stay. No more. The trip that I thought would quell my "itchy feet" would actually prove to my heart that I must go. I felt a calling to Africa and was unsure as to how to get there. Then on Christmas Eve, sitting alone in church, reading the bulletin rather than paying attention to the rehashing of the Christ child's birth, I noticed that we were being instructed to pray for a woman serving in the Peace Corps. I think about her sometimes and wonder if she has any idea the impact she had on another life. I could easily find her, through the church or through the Peace Corps network... ~which is a very tight knit and nationwide group and absolutely the group of people to get a hold of if you are ever traveling anywhere in any sort of developing area. They know the cheap stuff and great places to stay for EVERYWHERE~ But a part of me wants to keep her at a distance, and just let her be a spiritual guide like an Indian yogi, whom you never actually meet or have contact with but have been inspired by.
Anyway, back to church..."hmmm. The Peace Corps"…I thought to myself. "Maybe Karly would be interested in going. We could hang out and be grungy and travel for a year or so. Volunteer. Help some people." The passing thought sparked something in me that I had felt about every one of my "plans" that never came to fruition, a tiny little seed of unexplainable excitement. I had had this sensation, and have never been able to get quiet enough to really listen to and observe and more intuitively make a choice about whether to take it, where to follow it, and if it held any ribbon of truth in it. This time the spark became an electric current that sort of buzzed through me and an overwhelming feeling of truth came over me. The whole idea was and still remains more than a little ludicrous to me. The thinking part of my brain jumped in with, "never- that is ridiculous" and immediately got loud and chattery, like 50 television screens simultaneously blaring CNN and all it's counterparts, intensely excited and exciting, but unbearable to really try to absorb anything from and incredibly anxiety producing. As this is the usual state of my mind I was ready to acquiesce and let the chatter overtake any productive thoughts on the matter that I might try to have. All of a sudden there was a calm quiet that rolled into my heart like a storm across the plain. At this point I heard my soul. It gently breathed a light blanket of soothing quiet over the chatter. There weren't any loud or sharp words with this feeling, but just an overwhelming sense of calm and trust and care. And I surrendered to it. I let myself fall into the sensation and was silently carried through the chattering of my brain and went deeper into the realm of my soul. There, for one quiet moment in the candlelight, I experienced one of the quintessential moments of truth that accompanies every being that commits itself to life in this universe. It was a spark of intuition that shows itself for just one moment, but in that moment you feel all the truth and passion and beauty necessary to base a lifetime on. It was the sensation of falling in love, of welcoming a child into this world at it's moment of birth and the comfort of a warm fire raging in the middle of a winter storm. It took hold of me and possessed me. It gave me the answers I needed to quell the incessant CNN reporters of my brain. "I will give this crazy idea a year" was my response, fully supported by my soul, who became a surprisingly sharp PR agent hovering next to me at the press conference in my brain .
"It's OK to be scared about this idea, and to want to turn back. You have permission to back out at any time. This IS out of your comfort zone, your realm of experience, or even anything you've ever seriously considered wanting." And yet I immediately knew intimately that this was everything I've ever wanted.
And like life, this element of life and choice of what to do with it and how to spend it is accompanied by anticipated fears, and hopes and dreams, the knowledge that no matter what I do, it will involve heartbreak and joy and passion on a scale that I cannot right now fathom. In just taking such a crazy leap into a future that is so blatantly unknown (yes all futures are unknown, and unknowable, but living in a new country, culture, continent, climate, having conversations in a foreign tongue with new companions (OK I'll let the alliteration go....)) makes this all the more obvious. I feel addicted to the concept of possibility, and how expansive this concept would be in this adventure I am undertaking.
As I investigated the details, -27 months, non-negotiable. No your little sister cannot come with you. Yes you are REALLY volunteering. Yes that means no 401K. No not even a super secret, unpublicized one. Yes you could live in a village by yourself. No, you might not have electricity. Running water? Maybe. -And faced my fears about each and every one- 2 bags, under 50 pounds each, 80 pounds total- for over TWO YEARS. Cell phone coverage-spotty, Internet, good luck, maybe, hopefully. A new language- Setswhat? Setswana? But there's no Dummy's Guides to that one!!! It's a cross between WHAT??? Chinese and Spanish???? You're kidding (and they never, ever are...) As I learned of each one of these potentially frightening and definitely off putting details, the voice of my soul has been there with an answer nearly every time.
I have told my family, friends, coworkers, and strangers about my plans and have received feedback, comments, advice, incredulity, encouragement, discouragement; people have shared and reflected on me their own hopes, experiences, tragedies, opinions, some of all this helpful and some not, some of it solicited and some not. It has allowed me to connect with people on different levels and I have become a bit softer in my interactions with people, when you have reprioritized what's important you often give up a lot of what was formerly worth fighting over and being right about. I more readily show my appreciation and express my gratitude. I have become more of the person I wanted to in ways that I didn't previously know how to achieve. I have made friends and let some go, with a lot less angst than I used to experience. I have rediscovered long forgotten goals and dreams and aspirations. I have become more intentional.
It's been a long strange trip, over a year that has brought love, anxiety, fear, reassurance, anger and has taught me patience. I have learned the importance of perspective, and become very intimate with the concept of gratitude. The Peace Corps has changed me, and I haven't even left the ground.
I know you'll all appreciate me keeping in my long standing creative tradition of naming my blog after where I am, but hey, when you're trying to search for this thing to cure your insomnia at three in the morning you will sing the praises of my simplicity...
Nearly three months ago I received what feels like the culmination to but in reality is just the beginning of a year long process to join the Peace Corps. For those of you unfamiliar with the story, I shall now recount it here.
Post college graduation and upon leaving Duluth and some other major life events, I consulted friends, family, several psychics and mystics, numerous therapists, soul sistas, spiritual advisers, lovers, fighters, academics, spirits, ect, in a desperate attempt to find the key to life, the ultimate element, (and sometimes the magic elixir-these searches usually ended in hangovers) that would make me happy. Notably absent in this list of advisers is probably the most important person, place or thing to consult, my own soul. Back to the drawing board. Rather than so actively investigating and searching, and scratching at the very fibers of life insistently, I decided to lay back, relax, and invest in the words of a poem given to me by my wonderful friend Katherine, that I often recall the connotation of if not the actual words to, and which incidentally rocks my world to this day...
"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers which cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing, live along some distant day into the answer." Rainer Maria Rilke
I spent some time taking this quote to heart, letting it's meaning wash over me in waves for a few months. Letting go of the strict reins I had held onto in controlling the course of my life was and never is an easy process. I became more and more willing to try something new, reach out where before I had closed off, forgive, forget, trust, and allow life to break me, rather than me always trying to smash the piss out of life with my own piss and vinegar. I came back from visiting my sister in Australia and realized that the time is now to live abroad. It was something I had always dreamed of, and never had the inclination to go out and conquer because I always found what I thought was one damn good reason or another to stay. No more. The trip that I thought would quell my "itchy feet" would actually prove to my heart that I must go. I felt a calling to Africa and was unsure as to how to get there. Then on Christmas Eve, sitting alone in church, reading the bulletin rather than paying attention to the rehashing of the Christ child's birth, I noticed that we were being instructed to pray for a woman serving in the Peace Corps. I think about her sometimes and wonder if she has any idea the impact she had on another life. I could easily find her, through the church or through the Peace Corps network... ~which is a very tight knit and nationwide group and absolutely the group of people to get a hold of if you are ever traveling anywhere in any sort of developing area. They know the cheap stuff and great places to stay for EVERYWHERE~ But a part of me wants to keep her at a distance, and just let her be a spiritual guide like an Indian yogi, whom you never actually meet or have contact with but have been inspired by.
Anyway, back to church..."hmmm. The Peace Corps"…I thought to myself. "Maybe Karly would be interested in going. We could hang out and be grungy and travel for a year or so. Volunteer. Help some people." The passing thought sparked something in me that I had felt about every one of my "plans" that never came to fruition, a tiny little seed of unexplainable excitement. I had had this sensation, and have never been able to get quiet enough to really listen to and observe and more intuitively make a choice about whether to take it, where to follow it, and if it held any ribbon of truth in it. This time the spark became an electric current that sort of buzzed through me and an overwhelming feeling of truth came over me. The whole idea was and still remains more than a little ludicrous to me. The thinking part of my brain jumped in with, "never- that is ridiculous" and immediately got loud and chattery, like 50 television screens simultaneously blaring CNN and all it's counterparts, intensely excited and exciting, but unbearable to really try to absorb anything from and incredibly anxiety producing. As this is the usual state of my mind I was ready to acquiesce and let the chatter overtake any productive thoughts on the matter that I might try to have. All of a sudden there was a calm quiet that rolled into my heart like a storm across the plain. At this point I heard my soul. It gently breathed a light blanket of soothing quiet over the chatter. There weren't any loud or sharp words with this feeling, but just an overwhelming sense of calm and trust and care. And I surrendered to it. I let myself fall into the sensation and was silently carried through the chattering of my brain and went deeper into the realm of my soul. There, for one quiet moment in the candlelight, I experienced one of the quintessential moments of truth that accompanies every being that commits itself to life in this universe. It was a spark of intuition that shows itself for just one moment, but in that moment you feel all the truth and passion and beauty necessary to base a lifetime on. It was the sensation of falling in love, of welcoming a child into this world at it's moment of birth and the comfort of a warm fire raging in the middle of a winter storm. It took hold of me and possessed me. It gave me the answers I needed to quell the incessant CNN reporters of my brain. "I will give this crazy idea a year" was my response, fully supported by my soul, who became a surprisingly sharp PR agent hovering next to me at the press conference in my brain .
"It's OK to be scared about this idea, and to want to turn back. You have permission to back out at any time. This IS out of your comfort zone, your realm of experience, or even anything you've ever seriously considered wanting." And yet I immediately knew intimately that this was everything I've ever wanted.
And like life, this element of life and choice of what to do with it and how to spend it is accompanied by anticipated fears, and hopes and dreams, the knowledge that no matter what I do, it will involve heartbreak and joy and passion on a scale that I cannot right now fathom. In just taking such a crazy leap into a future that is so blatantly unknown (yes all futures are unknown, and unknowable, but living in a new country, culture, continent, climate, having conversations in a foreign tongue with new companions (OK I'll let the alliteration go....)) makes this all the more obvious. I feel addicted to the concept of possibility, and how expansive this concept would be in this adventure I am undertaking.
As I investigated the details, -27 months, non-negotiable. No your little sister cannot come with you. Yes you are REALLY volunteering. Yes that means no 401K. No not even a super secret, unpublicized one. Yes you could live in a village by yourself. No, you might not have electricity. Running water? Maybe. -And faced my fears about each and every one- 2 bags, under 50 pounds each, 80 pounds total- for over TWO YEARS. Cell phone coverage-spotty, Internet, good luck, maybe, hopefully. A new language- Setswhat? Setswana? But there's no Dummy's Guides to that one!!! It's a cross between WHAT??? Chinese and Spanish???? You're kidding (and they never, ever are...) As I learned of each one of these potentially frightening and definitely off putting details, the voice of my soul has been there with an answer nearly every time.
I have told my family, friends, coworkers, and strangers about my plans and have received feedback, comments, advice, incredulity, encouragement, discouragement; people have shared and reflected on me their own hopes, experiences, tragedies, opinions, some of all this helpful and some not, some of it solicited and some not. It has allowed me to connect with people on different levels and I have become a bit softer in my interactions with people, when you have reprioritized what's important you often give up a lot of what was formerly worth fighting over and being right about. I more readily show my appreciation and express my gratitude. I have become more of the person I wanted to in ways that I didn't previously know how to achieve. I have made friends and let some go, with a lot less angst than I used to experience. I have rediscovered long forgotten goals and dreams and aspirations. I have become more intentional.
It's been a long strange trip, over a year that has brought love, anxiety, fear, reassurance, anger and has taught me patience. I have learned the importance of perspective, and become very intimate with the concept of gratitude. The Peace Corps has changed me, and I haven't even left the ground.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)