To all of you who sent me birthday well wishes and cards, letters, calls, gifts, packages, THANK YOU!!!! I was able to celebrate for about a week straight all across the great country of Botswana, and spend some quality time with all of those who have become my family here. To Rob, Kendyll, Damon, Ella, Todd, Adryan, Jules, Cait, Johnny, Andrew, Dudu, Vix, Elena, Patrick, Jamie, Drea, Tina, Tuan, Ricardo, Sara Lee, Anna, Graham, Cabrini, and all the party peeps, thanks for making it such a memorable week, and making “happy birthday” the most played song of my week.
To all those back home who contacted (or tried!) in some way or another, thank you for remembering me. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to accurately capture in words the disconnect I have grown to feel, and that comes and goes in waves, between here and there, but all of you that keep in touch remind me of who I am, and why I’m here. To me this is priceless, and is all because of you. Thank you.
Most of you who know me know that I tend to go through a little birthday trauma, with each new year on my years on this planet causing me stress about the age I am, what I’ve accomplished and where my life is going, and I’m happy to report 28 has not begun that way. There’s something about living my passion, and becoming at least a little more certain about what drives me and the direction I want my life to go that has brought some ease to this. Even on days when I’m miserable here, it calms me to remind myself how much this experience has meant and continues to mean to me, how much I have learned and grown and to know that any sacrifice I may have made to be here has been worth it.
It’s hard to believe I’ve now been away for 2 birthdays, but the “new normal” has become just “normal”. The ways of Seronga and Botswana come to bother and upset me less and less, and while a part of me struggles with this as complacency for the unacceptable, another part realizes I’m more productive when I can accept the realities of the place and just choose bits and pieces to hammer away at. If I want progress I have to start with the reality of where those around me actually are, not where they could be, and that is the ultimate challenge. I’m not going to change the world, but perhaps I can change a few lives. When I’m honest with myself I can see that I already have. Perhaps it’s this insatiable hunger for more and wishing for better for those that I work with here that will be the thing that burns me out, but for now I ride the waves, I search for the bright spots, I smile and wave at the children, and I hope for the best. It’s really all you can do sometimes.
My family will arrive soon, the first people who have known the “pre PC” me to set eyes on me in a year and a half. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I was nervous, to show them the world in which I inhabit, the ways in which I interact with it and those who inhabit it, the person I’ve become. My excitement outweighs my nervousness though, and I’m completely filled with an overwhelming sense that I just NEED MY MOM. Just the thought of her here brings tears to my eyes. I need my sister to come here and look me over, and likely shout at me a bit (cause she’s so good at it) and I need Paul to keep the balance between us. I want to sink into the comfort of their familiarity. I need them to take me in their arms and to hold me, and to make life a little easier for a minute. I need to relax and breathe. I need to see this place through their eyes.
Living a life in which planning is so difficult, and disappointment and things not going that way you’d expect is the norm rather than the exception, I’ve realized that in some ways, I’ve been hesitant to really realize and accept that they are coming. I remember feeling a charge as they bought the plane tickets, and the email confirmation about the hotels in Capetown always make me smile, but it’s been hard to completely believe that they’re coming and everything will work out to bring them here. I have no tangible reason to not believe it, but I think small parts of me have been afraid to get altogether too excited. It has reduced the thrill of their arrival to a dull longing, which I’ve become so accustomed to in everyday life that this particular want has been tough to attend to. It’s tough for me to try to plan my next meal much further ahead than when I open my fridge (and hope that it’s still cold and working) so planning months ahead for their arrival has been a bit of a challenge to wrap my head around, and DO anything about. This has lead to a few logistical problems I’m coming to see, but as all things here, I’m sure it will be fine, although the time that they are in Botswana will certainly have quite a few elements of adventure.
All hesitancies and apprehension aside, I’m totally excited for them to arrive. We’re going to spend a fair amount of time in CAPETOWN, which I’ve heard is like heaven. My friend Dudu describes it as what happened when Africa and Europe had a torrid love affair that resulted in a magical city in South Africa. I simply cannot wait.
I’m going to post this blog now, and leave work and project related news for another update. Things are going well, the heat has returned, and I’ve got plenty of angsty rumination in the literary pipeline for those of you who dig that. Hopefully in the process of vacation and relaxation I’ll be able to write some more and post a few more stories and updates on here for you. Until then, wherever you are, thank you for your presence in my life and your continued encouragement and support. I am a very lucky woman.
