I don't deserve an Oscar....

I know this may come to you as shocking – strictly out of left field – especially for those of you familiar with my "healthy" sense of drama — but I do not deserve an Oscar. Although I would love to walk the red carpet in a fancy dress and expensive jewels (the Peace Corps may not break me of everything…) and although the kitchen sink of Hollywood gossip in my brain occasionally overflows onto unsuspecting bystanders- (hey am I not always the one you ask about "that one guy" in that movie that was nominated back in '04… and I can figure out who he is...…) not to mention my impeccable acting skillz... no, I don't deserve an Oscar.
Since we're discussing awards I don't deserve, (or rather I'm typing about and you're reading…) let's expand out the list…I also don't deserve a Tony, a Grammy, an Emmy, I'm not the "Best in Show" or most improved and I don't even deserve a little trophy with a soccer ball guy on the top… and I last I checked I wasn't up for a Nobel Peace Prize, (or any of the other Nobels for that matter …). "What are these newly developed (or more recently uncovered) delusions of grandeur about?" Ok I'll get to the point. I am joining the Peace Corps. I will be living abroad for two years on the salary of a local person. People live like this every day. I am not solving the HIV/AIDS crisis. I never owned a McMansion and thus am not giving one up. I don't even drive a nice car. When it runs. I am not sacrificing on a level of Mother Teresa. I say these things to give some perspective. When I speak about the Peace Corps, and when I answer the same questions over and over - (which I generally don't mind, much to my surprise) the most common reactions I get are shock, distaste, surprise, incredulity, disbelief, excitement, or some expression of "I wish I could do something like that, or I could never do something like that, or wow, you're so brave." Sure there's some element of truth to these statements; but I think these reactions tend to stem from a place in people where they think that they are not capable of "great things". You ARE. And, you CAN make a difference. You don't have to go live in a mud hut in Africa to make an impact, but just be aware and be willing to explore opportunities. Call your grandma. Hug your sister. Have a little more patience as you listen to that client/manager/customer service rep complain/berate/shirk responsibility. Take a deep breath and continue forward.
I want to be thought of as a woman taking risk in life to follow her dreams and touch some lives along with way. It is a very simple plan, and one that I would hope would be the more lasting impression on people than all the others of what a "sacrifice" I'm making or how challenging my life will be. It's true, my life will involve some level of sacrifice and hardship, on some levels I don't even know yet, but my driving force right now has a lot to do with I am still the same woman you knew, and will continue to know, on whatever levels we can reach out to each other over the time that I am gone.
So, delusions of grandeur aside, I'm going to the Peace Corps, folks. I'm going to Africa. And I'm going for 2.25 years. Aside from whatever this may mean to you, it means a lot of things to me. One of them is that I am scared. yup I have fears. I am nervous about a lot of things and spend a great deal of time being anxious. I might express these feelings to you. If I do it is because I trust you, believe you'll have helpful feedback, or sometimes just because you are there and I happen to know your name (and in all reality sometimes this is not even the case!) If (and really-when) this happens, please do not let the first thing out of your mouth in response be "well... you know you don’t HAVE to go." I realize this. I truly, truly do. I know my options, I know the choices, I signed the paperwork. I know I can back out until the minute I get on the plane, and I can get a plane out of there at any time. This is reality and I know the options, and in an attempt to put it most kindly, I know them better than you, and have already spent a great deal of time considering them. Please don't go for the easy default "solution" with me. Let me express my fears just as you've allowed me to express my hopes, my dreams and try to be with the experience as you've shared in my joy and excitement. Help me investigate these fears, and see them through and decide if they might be the big monster under the bed known as "fear itself.."
I know you're scared for me, and I am too. And I appreciate this from you, as I know it means you love and care for me. It's just that right now the fears are quite real for me, founded in reality or not. But so is the excitement, the joy, and the overarching feeling of this being my path, and something I need to do even if it scares me. Jack said to me once that good decisions do not come from excitement and good feelings alone, and doubts are part of making sound decisions. This idea has been on repeat in my head for some months. It has brought me much comfort as I've settled in to this emotional rollercoaster ride. Each day brings all of these emotions (and more) in a dizzying musical rendition of the life I've chosen. Enough blog inspired soap boxing from me. I wouldn't have it any other way.